Christmas Round Robin writers may have learned mass demoralisation techniques that can be deployed any time of the year, security chiefs have warned. Reports are emerging of a new generation of emotional terrorists who are using Twitter to broadcast propaganda about successful dinner parties, great Xmases with the family and brilliant exam results.
‘It’s the nightmare scenario,’ said a spokesman from Jane’s Decency Review, ‘A Twitter attack can be launched any time, any place, and there’s little you can do about it.’
Last week, after luring thousands of people into her world, one Tweeticide bomber launched a full front attack on their self esteem. Having gained their confidence with some work related semi useful information, she then launched wave after wave of Improvised Emotional Demoralisers (IEDs), with aspirational bombshells designed to cut anyone’s self esteem to pieces. First came a reference to a happy family scene. There followed a series of shocking revelations about ecstatic gift receiving incidents. Next, she boasted how much she loved the Christmas TV entertainment on show, twisting the metaphorical bayonet she’d just plunged into many reader’s hearts. ‘Only one in ten people enjoy anything on telly these days, and that’s usually ruined by someone talking over it,’ said an expert. ‘To discover that someone else is living the dream is like a form of reverse Schadenfreude.’
But worse was to follow. The reverse Schadenfreude technique, say experts, is merely the softening up processes, in preparation for the big bang. ‘Having a fab Xmas in our new holiday cottage that hubby did such a brilliant job converting,’ said a typical Tweet. With its implications of contentment, stress free property development, excessive wealth and a mutually supportive marriage, the tweet carries all the critical elements that could devastate most mortals.
The evolution in terror techniques was in response to heightened awareness about traditional round robins, whose predictability made them easier to detect. But the new tweet-powered round Robins, being shorter and punchier, have a devastating range and can find their target wherever they are.
‘Be very very careful who you follow on Twitter,’ said one expert, ‘as soon as you detect any sign of smugness, we advise you to get out and stay out. Don’t go back, no matter what, as that would be emotional suicide.’