Bored tennis star Andy Murray has announced his intention to receive his next 2017 Sports ‘Personality’ of the Year award at a landfill site or possibly a toxic waste reprocessing facility, in the vain hope that BBC viewers will eventually stop choosing him.
Despite the player receiving his 2016 award in front of a hotel swimming pool – dressed in yesterday’s T shirt – it wasn’t enough to stop him winning the award. ‘Can you see the egg stain on my shirt? That’s how much I wanted this thing. Christ, I even bribed my wife to vote against me. I suppose it’s nice that people keep voting for me, but I can’t help thinking they’re being ironic’.