Please answer the following questions and remember, there is more to being British than simply ‘Scones : Jam or cream first?’.
1. You enter McDonalds in Regent Street, there are long queues for service:
a. You wait patiently in line.
b. You march to the top of the queue and order a Big Mac meal.
c. You stroll to the middle of the restaurant and detonate an IED.
2. Your neighbour has lost her precious cat and comes around asking for help to find it:
a. You express sympathy and join the search party.
b. You tell her not to be such a stupid cow, it’s only a bloody cat.
c. You already have the cat and are cooking it for supper.
3. You have finished your wee in the toilet of a busy public house:
a. You wash your hands thoroughly and return to the crowded bar.
b. You return to the crowded bar.
c. You return to the crowded bar and detonate an IED.
4. You catch your daughter sneaking back in late from a night out with her boyfriend:
b. You give her a stern lecture on ‘boys’.
c. Honour killing.
5. You are walking through double doors in the office and a female colleague is behind you:
a. You stop and hold the door open for her.
b. You march through letting the door swing back in her face.
c. You detonate an IED.
6. You are approaching double doors in the office and a colleague is holding them open for you:
a. You express thanks and run to prevent them waiting long.
b. You march through without a word.
c. You detonate an IED.
7. A black man wielding a gun is shot in self-defence by a police marksman.
a. You call for the policeman to be suspended and put on trial.
b. You have no sympathy for the deceased – he shouldn’t have had the gun in the first place.
c. You start a riot and set the town centre ablaze.
8. A family of Hindus moves into a house on your street.
a. You avoid them and gossip with all your other neighbours about how the area is ‘going to the dogs’:
b. You go round with a cake you have baked especially for them.
c. Kill the infidels!
9. You are second in line at a queue in McDonalds in Regent Street. A foreigner marches to the front of the queue and orders a Big Mac meal:
a. You say nothing.
b. You call him a ‘fucking cheeky bastard’ and start a fight.
10. You are asked whether you think public servants should take an oath of allegiance to “British values”. Do you
a. Chuckle awkwardly and say ‘that’s me out, I never did understand the LBW rule’
b. Ask what exactly this measure would achieve
c. Say ‘of course they should, and i’ll tell you what, anyone who refuses should be shot’.
a. Be arsed?
b. Go to the pub?
c. Wow! What a great way to help people.
Mostly ‘a’s – Welcome to Britain!
Mostly ‘b’s – Are you sure you would fit in here?
Mostly ‘c’s – Please remain seated with your arms in the air. Avoid any sudden movements.
(hattips to Sir Lupus, Gerontius, Idiot and the Writer’s Room. Merry Xmas!)