A change in direction in UK industrial strategy was announced today, after the chancellor Phillip Hammond caught up on Series 12 of the Apprentice on BBC IPlayer. Resources and investment will now be directed toward those sectors covered in the tasks in each episode of the TV series.
‘The commentary by that narrator, after Lord Sugar has introduced the task each week, makes it clear what the key sectors in our economy are,’ announced Hammond. The evidence is undeniable. Bespoke spirits – £3bn a year. Kids parties – creating 2 million jobs in South London alone. Hipster pork pies – a £100 billion export market. Sod steel and iron, we need to be making more venison and chilli sausage rolls.’
‘Interestingly, the sectors on the programme are seem to be the ones with the most rapid response times, vital for us to compete in a global economy,’ continued Hammond. Each week, products go from prototype, design to pitching and market in less than 24 hours. That time could be reduced further if the candidates weren’t so piss poor. The future is here, and it is orange gin.’
The Apprentice has also given the Chancellor further ideas for refocusing economic strategy. ‘ The show indicates that UK plc. excels in self-aggrandizement, and we are looking for ways of including this in GDP calculations,’ noted Hammond. ‘Lord Sugar himself is also a world leader in mixing metaphors, and this is an area where concrete foundations can be laid during green shoots of recovery…or something like that’.
‘I may also refocus our energy policy,’ announced the Chancellor, after binge-watching the first 10 episodes of the series over a quiet weekend. ‘With the hot air from the candidates, the combustible language from Claude and the continuous blowing of smoke up Lord Sugar’s ass, the potential for generating significant amounts of sustainable energy seems to be considerable’.