Sixty prisoners who took control of a wing at HMP Swaleside have admitted that running a prison is harder than it looks.
‘It’s a bureaucratic nightmare’, said the incoming wing manager, Charles ‘the rhino’ McSlasher. ‘We’ve 300 inmates to look after and breakfast is a much bigger meal to organise than you’d think. Twenty vegetarians, 4 halal, 1 vegan and a Jedi who only drinks nurf milk on his coco pops.’
Another rioting prisoner, Kevin ‘cheese slicer’ Brearley, chipped in: ‘I’ve spent the morning on the phone trying to organise a parole board visit, order next month’s kitchen supplies and contact a proctologist so we can recover a ping-pong ball from one of the screws.’