Police have confirmed that a non-celebrity death has taken place in Manchester earlier today. A spokesman stated that it was being treated as ‘unusual’ that the man, Derek Walpole, wasn’t known as a famous celebrity. ‘As far as we know he never performed in public, starred in any films or donated shit-loads of cash for good causes. We’re treating the death as suspicious, certainly as wasting police time,’ said the spokesman.
Experts say non-celebrities ‘probably die all the time’ but for some reason nobody seems to notice. ‘If possible I would recommend being famous before dying,’ said one expert who admitted ‘feeling a little under the weather’ and was about to do something to make him famous before popping a couple of aspirin ‘just in case.’