As the new Year dawned in Times Square, Trump Tower and everywhere else in America, so did the realisation that they had actually dropped a huge, golden-pubed, combed-over bollock in electing their new leader in November. Experts warned that the mother of all hangovers wouldn’t really kick in in the USA until 20th January, with current medical guidance advising hiding under a duvet or burying your head in the sand for a period of 4 years.
As with most areas of policy, Hogmanay will see an overhaul under a Trump presidency. In each household, just before midnight, a man with wheat-chaff coloured, heavily lacquered hair will now be required to knock on the door with a piece of coal to gain entry. This will occur on every day of the year, and is expected to form the backbone of Trump’s industrial policy to revive Big Coal.
This person will then recite Trump’s regressive plans for migration, employment and foreign policy, in a new tradition called ‘first f*!king’. On the stroke of midnight, like-minded Republicans will all then join hands to form a huge circle, with Trump admitting that this is now his preferred strategy for building his wall along the Mexican border.
Trump revealed that he has no truck with resolutions, with those set out by NATO and NAFTA expected to be the first casualties of his regime. Donald is expected to bring some Auld Acquaintances to mind though, with Big Ben – Netanyahu – and Vladimir Putin expected to be near the front of the queue.
‘New Year is often seen as a time to bury old hatchets and start afresh. You can see this in Putin’s decision over the last couple of days not to opt for knee-jerk tit-for-tat expulsions,’ said one political commentator. ‘Although in Trump and Putin’s case it would be better described as a pair of jerks, and tit-for-tit’.