Almighty God, creator of the heavens and Earth, has apologised to any fundamentalists who have been frothing at the mouth over what other people do to each other in bed by confirming that actually He did intend for the human race to be homosexual. Furthermore, He has admitted that the whole course of human history has been a terrible mistake but feels powerless to put it right.
‘My bad,’ said the Lord of Hosts. ‘When I created the universe 6,843 years ago as of 26 March, almost my last act was to put two male humans in a paradise where they could have copious sex and talk about sport afterwards. They weren’t literally called Adam and Steve because the English language didn’t exist then – oh hang on, it’s Americans I’m talking to, isn’t it, so let’s not complicate things too much….’
The Heavenly Father explained that, unlikely as it may sound, humans were the most intelligent of the creatures He created over the first seven days and He feared that if they bred, they would slaughter everything else on the only planet in the universe before too long. Therefore, He put them in two separate gardens, with Adele and Eve enjoying a stress-free sex-fuelled time, by an everlasting pool of chocolate thousands of cubits away from Adam and Steve.
‘It was fine for a while, but then the idiots got curious,’ explained the Most High. ‘Adam and Eve separately went wandering, stark naked of course, and bumped into each other. Well, Adam just stood there gawping and pointing at Eve’s breasts. Eve wasn’t put off him like she should have been, because that bloody snake hadn’t told her anything and … well go and read the Old Testament, it’s all true. Just that detail got omitted. Seriously now, if I’d meant human males and females to have anything to do with each other, I would have made them compatible, wouldn’t I?’
The divine revelation that the human race was actually intended to be gay has received a mixed response among US evangelicals. ‘I really did think the Lord wanted me to take 21 pretty young wives and multiply my seed so that more souls could sing His glory, A-men,’ said Mormon pastor Bill Hartenstine from Salt Lake City. ‘But on the other hand, I guess paying for sex with a male escort in a Holiday Inn once a week for the last 30 years warn’t such a sin after all. Hallelujah and praise the Lord.’