The Government has unveiled its intention to build up to 10,000 new homes next to cabbage patches and curmudgeonly old men, smoking a pipe. Instead of 14 new villages, the reality will be closer to living in a converted compost bin, with en-suite vegetables and an overwhelming smell of home-made weed killer.
Sadly with the rental costs at an all time high, the price of a one room potting shed will still be greater than Italy’s national debt. Mortgages are set to remain buoyant despite these allotments being directly in the path of a high speed train network and Heathrow’s next runway.
The new villages will receive about £6m in government funding over two years, just to grow asparagus. With tenants expected to re-enact scenes from ‘The Good Life’, by enjoying the delights of rain-soaked mud, chronic backache and Jerry Leadbetter leering at them over the fence.
Regrettably in the last six years this Government has built fewer homes than any other since the 1920s; although Housing Minister Gavin Barwell suggested this was due to a bad case of bindweed. Mr Barwell further claimed that the Conservatives had looked to build the villages somewhere less controversial, but ‘Palestine was already full’.