Danny Boyle’s film career on hold after his plot machine is stolen

No one saw this one coming

Fans of director Danny Boyle were in shock today after learning that the malfunctioning photocopier he uses to generate his film plots had been stolen in a burglary.

‘This is a real blow to British cinema,’ said film critic Mark Kermode. ‘In recent years Boyle has captivated audiences with a series of highly distinctive films in which the world is about to end, is ending or has ended after a deadly virus, killer, aliens or dirty bomb threatens London, Edinburgh or somewhere unspecified in the North. Who knows what he might have come up with next?’

The ‘Plot-a-tron’ has created the storylines for all Boyle’s films, the variety of its output demonstrated by such different titles as 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, 28 Days Earlier, Please Allow 28 days for Delivery, and 24, for which it is thought Boyle might be claiming undue credit. After the success of his most recent film, 127 Hours, the industry rumour-mill was quick to suggest that Boyle’s next project could possibly be named after another period of time, the smart money being on Fourteen Days, or Quinze Jours for its Cannes release.

‘What’s tragic is that it seems the ‘Plot-a-tron’ was in the middle of cranking out Boyle’s next award-winning masterpiece when it was stolen,’ continued Kermode. ‘One scrap of paper found at the scene hinted at a new departure as it had ‘3D’ written on it, but then that could be a red herring as for a while A Life Less Ordinary had the working title of ‘A4 Collated’.’

Police have appealed to the public for information about the theft, but have warned people not to approach the ‘Plot-a-tron’ as its lumbering, predictable movements can sometimes give way to sudden bouts of confusing and illogical behaviour.

A bereft Boyle is reported to have considered starting work on a detective movie about a director searching for his missing plot machine, but is apparently settling for a film about heroin addicts who saw off their own arms and use them to repel an invasion of alien zombies.

Matt T

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Posted: Jan 5th, 2017 by

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