May: UK’s laser weapon will replace my flying monkeys


The Minister for Defence Procurement, Harriet Baldwin, has said that Theresa May’s traditional mode of defence – puffing up like an adder – needs to be updated. A £30m prototype laser weapon will help transform Downing Street into a lair that ‘any super-villain would be proud of’ – although Mrs May is still vulnerable to ‘bucket-based’ water attacks.

Up until now the UK has relied heavily on its own natural defences – London rental prices, bad teeth and the threat of Boris Johnson being fired from one of his own water-cannons. Yet Mrs Baldwin has promised a more sci-fi solution combining robotic tentacles and an iPhone8.

After lasers, the next logical step for British scientists will be to develop weasels armed with death-rays, badgers with light-sabres and irate voles dropped by drone. Surprisingly no one has suggested the idea of a floating Death Star, but many of the Cabinet are in favour of launching Liam Fox into orbit ‘just to see what would happen’.

It is still to be seen if Mrs May will give up her traditional broom and maniacal cackle, but close advisors say she is relieved to have Halloween off. The first of these laser weapons will come into service in the mid-2020s – just in time for our Robot Overlords to make use of them.

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Posted: Jan 6th, 2017 by

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