Complaining is only for Junior Doctors, you’ll need to take a ticket and join the queue.
Dear Mavis, I appear to have ordered four battle submarines, but due to ideological oversight I don’t actually have the thermo-nuclear warheads with which to make them operational. Now everyone’s upset and I don’t know what to do. Please help – Jez.
Dear Jez, It’s a tricky one, but I always find that the best thing to do with submarines is to paint them yellow, recruit a quartet of four lovable moptops with Scouse accents and send them off into an exciting adventure in Pepperland. And don’t forget: if you can’t make them lovable, there’s always Derek Hatton.
Dear Mavis, I recently lost out at a major tennis tournament and now with the latest allegations I fear that my competitors may have been bribed to beat me. Do I have a case for compensation? – AM, Scotland
No – but have you ever thought about joining FIFA?
Dear Mavis – I caught an eye infection from a public swimming pool, can I claim for PPI?
Is that the same as an aye infection from supporting early day motions in Parliament?
Dear Mavis, I suggested English lessons for dusky ladies to help them with the weekly shop, and fighting terrorism, and now nobody will take me seriously – do you have any advice for me? – The Davester
Dear Davester, Just try shutting the fucking fuck up. Yours, Mavis.
Dear Mavis, During a drunken dinner in my university days, I stuck my cock in a dead pig’s mouth. Even though that was 30 years ago, no-one wants to talk about anything else. What can I do?
I told you to shut up.
The Writer’s Room (godly1966, sydalg, andyiong, bonjonelson, oxbridge &al o’pecia)