The Ford Motor Company has followed up its decision to move production from Mexico to Michigan with an announcement of the exciting new models and designs that will be made at the new plant. Read our exclusive reviews below.
While the micro car of the range is certainly quick off the mark, this can be unnerving: if anything it is a little too responsive, although in fairness it can also reverse fast. We found it difficult to fit much substance into it, however, and our testers said it frequently backfires.
By contrast, this van conversion is impressively roomy: we fitted 17 illegal immigrant autoworkers into the boot, and it’s fast enough to make weekly commuting from Tijuana to Michigan a realistic prospect. Upgrades include tinted windscreens, a horn that says ‘Arriba!’, and for $2m a front-mounted diamond-tipped drill capable of tunnelling under international border walls. The price for the drill reflects that, unlike the Model T, it is being promoted to the international criminal syndicate market rather than the people who actually make the cars.
Evoking memories of the Fiesta and Escort, this new car, aimed at the teen-male market continues the Ford tradition of naming their vehicles after old porn mags. The new Razzle will be full of tits and arses but is nothing to get too excited about.
The Donald is a heavyweight 4×4 which boasts – frequently – an engine which leaks oil everywhere and a distinctive 100 decibel exhaust pipe which should out-fart a Harley Davidson. Available in any colour as long as it’s white, it also sports a gold-plated sunroof which our reviewers found rather unconvincing – overall, the Donald is not so much a fanny magnet or a pussy puller as a pussy grabber. It comes with a 0% finance deal, in which buy the car in the name of a shell company, sell it to yourself for five pence, declare the company bankrupt, and then still get to keep the car.
Marketed in Europe as the Ford Pinocchio, Ford say the Bullshit ‘reinvents the family sedan for the post-truth era’. They claim lower emissions than a Tesla thanks to the Infinitely Convenient Untruths Drive, which enables the car to run entirely on lies, distortions and evasive answers. The radio comes pretuned to a range of shock-jock stations to suit most political prejudices, and a list of suggested bullshit-producing questions to drop into in-car conversations, including ‘are we nearly there yet?’, ‘do you know where you’re going?’ and ‘you fancy him/her, don’t you?’.
Sir Lupus, with contributions from Midfield Diamond and beau-jolly