Parents urged to introduce peanuts early ‘to save wasting time’

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The BMA has urged parents to introduce peanuts to their children as early as at four months old ‘to see if they develop hives and puke themselves into a coma’, insisting that the full anaphylactic shock result could ‘save thousands in unnecessary child care costs.’

It is thought that if the trial period shows a reduction in mid-teen mortality ‘because they never made it to their first birthday’ then it will be introduced to include other allergens and various causes of child mortality, such as ‘playing near open mineshafts’ and ‘resistance to dum-dum bullets’, although it is believed the last study is considered to be centred on specific US requirements.

The government has welcomed the advice, noting that it currently costs the State tens of thousands of pounds in benefits, allowances and paying workshy teachers to bring a baby through to adulthood, or ‘benefit claimancy’ as Theresa May calls it. ‘It will certainly ease the pressure on providing enough jobs for the younger workforce post Brexit,’ said a government spokesman.

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Posted: Jan 8th, 2017 by

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