Brexit caused by decline in horny housewives

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Britain’s economic turmoil over the past 40 years has been blamed on the decreasing probability of encounters between bored housewives and randy milkmen, according to a new academic study. This has led to a steep decline in birth rates, requiring mass immigration to plug the gap and inadvertently creating the social tensions that exploded at last year’s EU Referendum.

‘A healthy economy requires steady population replacement,’ explained lead author Professor John Pemberton. ‘Despite the well-known aversion of professional British men towards sex, even with attractive, softly-spoken wives who spent their entire lives in short negligees, this balance was maintained well into the 1970s. For that, we have to thank the hard-working rough diamonds whose jobs required them to knock on doors during the day while husbands were out.’

As film documentaries of the time show, such males, despite their own inhibitions and being rather slow on the uptake, would invariably find themselves invited into the house. The housewife would then find a pretext to strip naked and chase him around until they ended up having sex on the kitchen floor to the sound of speeded-up music despite the distraction of an overflowing bath and/or a disapproving authority figure looking in at the window.

‘The evidence is overwhelming: postman, handyman, driving instructor – it didn’t really matter what a young man did in those days, he was guaranteed hilariously embarrassing congress with a series of ample-bosomed nymphomaniacs, whether he wanted it or not,’ said Pemberton. ‘We all remember our dads joking about us looking like the milkman. Well, they probably knew the truth but were actually relieved to be allowed to get on with their model railways in the evening.’

A combination of supermarkets dominating milk distribution and more women working has put a stop to this uniquely British tradition. Meanwhile, with both men and women increasingly working in office environments that are simply not conducive to randiness, the pressure on both sides has become intolerable and birth rates have plummeted.

‘I welcome this report and urge Britain to rediscover what made it great,’ said Nigel Farage. ‘I mean, my own mother stayed at home after getting married and she was happy just to be visited once a week by Mr Toad from Wind in the Willows. Ah, hang on a minute…’

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Posted: Jan 9th, 2017 by

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