‘We really thought this latest tweak might do it,’ said FIFA president Gianni Infantino today. ‘Bringing in lots of smaller nations, having only three teams in each group and letting the top two qualify… But it just wasn’t enough. At the end of the day, Scotland would still have to win games, or at least not lose by an embarrassing margin.’
Infantino said he had also explored a loophole which might allow FIFA to put Scotland in a group with completely unpopulated islands, in the hope that they would win by default. However, their hopes came to nothing when Scotland lost 5-0 to a number of penguins from a rocky outcrop in the South Atlantic, a result they have not accepted with equanimity.
‘We demand a full enquiry intae that match,’ said the Scottish captain. ‘Did ye not ken, the referee was wearing black and white? There’s nae doubt whose side he was on.’