‘All the polls show that we do much better when Ed stays quiet,’ explained deputy leader Harriet Harman, ‘he will therefore focus on communicating his ideas through corporeal movement and a variety of facial expressions.’
The new strategy will see Mr Miliband appearing at Prime Minister’s Questions with a white painted face and wearing a tight black Lycra bodysuit. He will then proceed to ridicule government policy by silently prancing around the dispatch box and pulling a range of silly faces.
‘This represents a new form of political communication,’ said Harman, ‘but I am confident that Ed can get his message across to David Cameron through the use of hand gestures alone – a method I understand the general public have already been using for some time.’
Mr Miliband has already mastered a number of classic mimes including ‘walking against the wind’, ‘the brick wall’ and ‘up shit creek without a paddle.’ However, he still struggles with more complex mimes such as explaining his position on tuition fees, something that regularly leaves him rolling helplessly around on the floor tied up in knots.
Members of Mr Miliband’s team will also employ performance art to convey their message. Shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson will use origami to communicate his understanding of economic theory by taking a blank sheet of paper and then screwing it up. Meanwhile, Shadow Foreign Secretary Yvette Cooper will unnerve William Hague through the use of provocative modern dance.
Speculation has been rife as to why Miliband had been so quiet in the last few months. ‘Everyone thought it was because he was nervous,’ said political commentator Matthew Parris, ‘but it turns out Ed was simply miming his opposition to government.’
Mr Miliband has also been developing a range of special ‘looks’ that he will use to mercilessly undermine the Coalition. ‘He has already perfected the ‘rabbit staring into the headlights,’ said Ms Harman, ‘and he is making good progress with ‘man shaking his head in disappointment at whatever the government just did’. He is now believed to be working on ‘man with bright idea’ and ‘man pulling finger out of arse.’
Mr Miliband launched his new strategy at the London International Mime Festival where he attempted to communicate his grand political vision. ‘He just stood there for while flapping his arms around and staring off into space,’ said one disappointed visitor, ‘it’s certainly nothing to shout about.’
8th January 2011