Patients to operate on themselves to reduce NHS wait lists

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Jeremy Hunt today announced a bold new measure in order to help hospital backlogs. Anybody waiting for an operation will shortly receive an email inviting them to undertake the procedure at home, receiving Nectar style points as an incentive which can then be redeemed for Argos vouchers, the more treatment they undergo.

‘We know some may see this as controversial but real experts in the field undertook some pretty thorough risk assessments before we brought the plans in,’ the Secretary of State for Health said in a statement. ‘This is about giving people control of their own recovery.’ Patients will be given a link to an online tutorial which they can follow and equipment such as scalpels, aesthetic and swabs will be available for purchase from Amazon.

At a press conference to launch the new initiative, Mr Hunt was bombarded with questions around the safety aspects of the scheme. ‘Clearly we are not going to be asking people to anaesthetise themselves and then operate. That would just be silly. A relative or close friend can always perform the actual procedure. It could even be a fun activity for all the family.’ When asked whether he himself would be trying it out, Mr Hunt just laughed. ‘God no. But then I’ve got private health. Why would I let my daughter remove my spleen when I’ve got an eminent Harley Street consultant on call. But not everybody’s as lucky as me. And of course there will be risks. We’ll lose a few people along the way but that’s just collateral damage and a necessary by-product of the more important goal which is to reduce NHS waiting lists. And it can’t be any worse than what’s happening at the moment can it?’

Barry Van Hire

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Posted: Jan 14th, 2017 by

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