The squalid conditions of the Calais migrant camp make it the ideal venue for another Glastonbury-style festival, according to experts. Surveyors of the site see similarities between the misery and degradation encountered at British music festivals and have concluded that all the area is missing is a few low-rent indie bands.
Organisers say levels of typhus and dysentery at Calais are now on a par with Glastonbury 2005, the year Coldplay headlined, although later analysis of the vomiting outbreak found that peak levels were reached when the audience had time to digest Chris Martin’s lyrics. According to festival organiser, Michael Eavis, the section of the site currently used as a latrine has great potential as a corporate bar area.
While levels of frustration and violence across the camp have been rising steadily as conditions worsen, they remain far less volatile than when The Fall were invited to play T in the Park. Migrants say however that conditions are bad enough without being woken up at 4am by somebody in an Arctic Monkeys t-shirt urinating against their tents.
Meanwhile Eavis was upbeat about the prospects:‘Somebody who has handed over their life-savings to an international people-trafficking ring, will think nothing of paying eight pounds for an undercooked veggie burger.
Indeed, some migrants have welcomed the plans. Mohammed Ahmed, who last night lost his only son to cholera, said he is looking forward to the day he can swap backstage anecdotes about the tragedy with Gwyneth Paltrow, and Ali Khan, who survived a helicopter gunship attack on his apartment in Aleppo, said that although his dream of a better life in the UK is receding day by day, nothing could prepare him for the unparallelled joy of a two-hour set by Kasabian.
The rival camp at Dunkirk has also been earmarked for development and Calais – Dunkirk 2016 could prove to be an even bigger shit-fest than Leeds-Reading.