Reporting in the Sunday Times, Michael Gove said that he was overwhelmed with joy that he had found his natural father – the 45th President of the United States, the fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse and the last of the Oompa Loompas, Donald Trump. Clutching a suckling Gove to his chest, Trump spoke of his joy at discovering a son who shared his common vision for Western civilisation, of a dumpster filled with burning tyres.
Gove was allegedly conceived on a Scottish golf course in the 60s, during a clandestine meeting between a young Donald Trump and a ‘Clootie dumpling’. Using a sample of dark brackish liquid, paternity tests reveal that Trump’s DNA has 80% similarity with Gove’s and, coincidentally, 99% in common with an anaconda. Gove was previously adopted at four months old by Rupert Murdoch, who raised him as if he were his own benign tumour. However, he said that always knew that somewhere out there was his real father and it was only a matter of time until he found the right Sith Lord.