Setting out her Brexit agenda, Theresa May has reassured the countries of mainland Europe that Britain harbours no ill-will following various events in 1415, 1588, 1815, 1918, 1945 and 2016, and that in the interests of peace, reconciliation and good trading relations, she is inviting them to apply for membership of the British Commonwealth, provided that Papua New Guinea, Zambia and Tonga raise no objections.
‘The wind of change is blowing through the continent, whether they like it or not,’ she stated. ‘Besides, everyone in Europe already speaks English all the time anyway. Obviously, they will have to get used to doing what they are told by some other country, but they should be used to doing that as part of the now doomed European Union. I’m offering you all the golden chance of a united Europe under British rule.’