Wedding invite prioritises presents over attendance

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Recently engaged Matt Simmons and Laura Yates have broken tradition and have asked guests to think more about giving than receiving. The decision was made after a rigorous cost-benefit analysis, including a probability forecast of pissed-up Uncle Jack ‘getting a bit rapey’.

‘We didn’t want to add that customary bullshit line about only requesting your ‘presence’,’ began Laura, as she drew a big black line through 50 more names. ‘So we wrote the complete opposite. A new house isn’t going to fill itself with expensive crap from John Lewis. Who is going to pay for the quesadilla maker, which we’ll probably never use? What about the tuna press, the avocado slicer and the strawberry stem remover?’

‘Do you think I really wanted to invite 36 cousins?’ said Matt, after considering a separate gift list for his Prague-based stag weekend. ‘I don’t even know their names. I think one of them is on death row in Florida. Why should I cough up £70 per head so they can wolf down beef fillet and get twatted on merlot? The least THEY can do is pay for our honeymoon in the Maldives.’

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Posted: Jan 21st, 2017 by

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