Bear Grylls publishes ‘To Grill a Flocking Bird’

existence of such a manuscript described as 'medium-rare'

The book world is literally ablaze with astonishment today on reading the news that notorious agoraphile and mucky-pup Bear Grylls has stepped in to fill the bird-mocking void left by Harper Lee more than fifty-five years ago.

However, unlike Lee’s dreary black and white yarn of a mute lawyer imprisoned in a bird infested attic, Bear has crafted a complex and touching narrative that explores the positive aspects of racism, class, prejudice, injustice, and how best to catch and consume migrating wildlife.

The story is told from the perspective of an eight-year-old Bear growing up as a young Scout in the small but obscenely wealthy community of Bembridge on the Isle of Wight. Set in this ‘pressure-cooker’ environment of croquet lawns, white supremacy and yacht clubs, the plucky Bear seeks comfort in trapping and devouring any creature that strays into his kill-zone.

But the story takes a tragic turn for the multicultural worse when Bear’s father – the corrupt and opportunistic Tory MP Sir Michael Grylls – is obliged to embark on the courageous quest of expelling the first ever black man who moves onto the island, presumably to practice voodoo, or rape babies, or somesuch evil.

The book’s original manuscript had long been thought lost until Bear’s nanny recently rediscovered it at the bottom of his old Eton school satchel. Almost 300 pages, written entirely in morse code using lark’s spittle, were found under a thick layer of moss and badger dung, along with detailed plans for ballooning hippos to a sanctuary in Snowdonia, and a finger-painting of Bear and Jesus eating swans on the summit of Everest.

Literary critics are already saying that this inspirational novel will become standard reading in right-wing academies and Christian free-schools. The highly anticipated sequel ‘The Flycatcher in the Pie’, about teenage angst and baking shortcrust pastries in British woodland, will be released and probably banned later this year.

Crayon [hat tips to deceangli / Sir Lupus / harrypalmer / Skylarking / Adrian Bamforth]


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Posted: Feb 4th, 2017 by

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