Fans of sugar and saturated fat, have been ‘strangely upbeat’ to learn that there is a national shortage of lettuce, broccoli and other ‘rabbit food’. Children have been forced to opt for extra processed meat, two puddings and an insufferable air of smugness.
Having your five-a-day reduced to one, has left a sizeable plate gap; which has been inevitably filled by melted-cheese. Explained one obese five year old: ‘Naturally I was devastated but somehow I’ve managed to drown my sorrows in cola and mars bars. Its tough surviving on a reduced vegetable diet – what can I put my ketchup on now? Pass the gummy bears would you?’
Poor growing conditions in southern Europe have been blamed for the shortage, although eyewitnesses claim to have seen a portly Spanish toddler flooding fields. Major retailers have promised to maintain supply – despite children preferring to approach the problem with all the urgency of ‘Brexit in treacle’.
Blandly good – vegetables are the food equivalent of Michael Bublé. Sadly the UK often lacks the right growing conditions, but fortunately with Donald Trump’s planned State visit there should now be no shortage of manure.