While Frederick Douglass has not been up to much in the last century— having been dead for the whole of it— his nonexistence has proved to be merely bureaucratic red-tape in the face of Donald Trump’s assault on tact and good taste. Having declared the 19th century journalist as alive and well, to a packed room of journalists Trump went on to heal the medically uninsured, walk on Russian urine and turn water into Kool-Aid.
Sadly for Trump, Mr. Douglas quickly admonished the President in a shocking séance interview – held by six junior high-school girls. One quoted from the newly popularized abolitionist: ‘The ground started shaking, the headstones started cracking, and we heard a faint lilting of alliteration coming through the topsoil. We immediately stopped being afraid and put our ears to the ground to understand what was being said. “Declarative defamer of demonstrably dynamic deceased denizens…blah…blah…yada…yada…You orange faced, Motherf$cker!” Or something like that. He wasn’t happy, that much was clear.’
What happened next remains debatable but according to the girls, Douglass shook himself clean and grabbed Suzy’s iPhone, then proceeded to record the following message: ‘Now you can refer to me in the present tense you half-wit! Is that what you want? The laws of the universe to cater to your utter lack of knowledge of anything in it? Here I am, you wanted to what? To say I’m doing a ‘good job?’ I helped end slavery and all you’ve done is increase check-in times at airports!’ The video was cut short due to Suzy having an overload of selfies and ‘The Weeknd’s early stuff’ cluttering her storage. But the message was clear, bone up on American history or face a Night of the Living Dead scenario.
For Trump, Defeater of Death, this is now just another thing he owns – like Slovenian sex slaves and a large portion of the national debt. Trump, the man who’s known for knowing no bounds of respect and decency, will now be the poster child of destroying the fundamental fabric of separation between the living and the dead. A spokesman explained that with Mr. Trump’s new appointment to the Supreme Court, you could expect to see a whole series of laws repealed – including Obamacare, Gravity and Murphy’s.