Parts of the internet were plunged into darkness and the earth stopped revolving on its axis, as Beyoncé achieved what most sixth-formers manage with only one bottle of cider. Posing in a revealing bee-keeper’s outfit, Mrs Knowles-Carter flaunted her pregnancy with the shy retiring modesty of ‘Liberace on Ice’.
Gasped one reporter: ‘Hold the press – a woman of child-bearing age has undergone a chemical reaction. And here’s the amazing coincidence – it’s the same reaction which has been repeated by her species billions of times before. And its twins? Well that’s never happened before!’ Said one fan: ‘Its help put the whole Trump thing into context. Everything’s going to be fine now.’
With 33 twins born out of every 1000 and steadily on the rise, Beyoncé’s success has be heralded as a million to one shot – except by bookies, who would only give it 30-1. Commented one bemused critic: ‘She’s a singer, so logically we’re not interested in her artistic output only her vaginal output. Although to be fair, we’ve only ever been interested in her husband’s anal output.’
Scientists are yet to explain how the miracle conception occurred but they believe it may have involved rubbing two pieces of wood together. Beyoncé has even upstaged Kim Kardashian’s successful attempt last year to mate with an endangered Panda. As always the huge PR team behind Beyoncé have tried to hype her pre-released mucus plug but may have mistaken that with one of Jay-Z’s albums.