The car insurance industry has been accused of hiking premiums for the model humans used to test safety belts, airbags and shatterproof windscreens. Crash test dummies claim that it is now almost impossible for them to get motor cover, such is the prejudice against them and their reputation as dangerous drivers.
‘As soon as you tell them your occupation, it’s like, they don’t want to know’ said Kevin 21, from his hospital bed in Dagenham. ‘It’s like, ‘Oh Crash Test Dummy?’ – that’s actually the highest risk category and sorry, we no longer insure drivers of that profession. Plus you’re a male and under 25 so frankly it would be cheaper to hire a chauffer and a private limo…’
Crash test dummies blame media images of them being catapulted through windscreens or crushed by mangled steel, claiming that they never show the many uneventful tests in which the drivers emerged unscathed. ‘It’s no better than racism or other forms of discrimination. One insurance website asked if any of the named drivers had black and yellow circles on the side of their heads. That’s not a million miles away from what Hitler was all about…’ continued Kevin before slipping back into unconsciousness, following a life-threatening car accident.
But a Geoffrey Nolan from the Association of Motor Insurers claim that their premiums are simply based on data. ‘Our statistics have shown that Crash Test Dummies are the most likely group of all to be involved in a serious car crash. These young lads see a wall and just seem to have this compulsion to drive straight into at great speed…’
Now the Association of Crash Test Dummies has called for a national protest this Saturday, which will involve them blocking various motorways by going deliberately slowly in all three lanes. ‘Yeah, they tried this before…’ said Nolan, ‘but they got bored after five minutes and accelerated up to ninety miles an hour straight into the wall of Costa Coffee at Gordano Services.’