A Court in Malawi has granted the aging pop singer access to the twin demons of 50-something paranoia and 20-something narcissism. As a symbol of her impending nervous breakdown, the judge has granted Madonna selfie-rights to two girls; who will then ‘care for her in her infirmity’.
Madonna has been guilty of many of the cliché signs of a mid-life crisis; including dating younger men, dancing on tables and switching her back-catalogue to Radio 2. While friends are said to be embarrassed by her desire to still go to festivals – often headlining – and her perverse desire to learn to play an instrument.
Sadly, looking up medical symptoms and old boyfriends on the internet turned out to be a full-time job, so Madonna has gone for something more part-time – like motherhood. Having explored vitamin pills and coffee enemas, Madonna has become convinced she can stave off death by clutching two young girls to her pointy breast.
She has seen many of her contemporaries go from career obituaries to obituaries and receding record sales to thinning hair. Yet Madonna has insisted that this adoption is not just a passing ‘fad’ and that her love would last the test of time – just like ‘voguing’.