President and former estate mogul Donald Trump has laid out his plans to resolve the longstanding Israel/Palestine conflict, promising a ‘two course solution’, with an equal number of holes on both sides, subject to negotiation.
Hailed as ‘an area where both Jews and Arabs can equally apply for membership’, the plans, scribbled by the President on the back of a folder, detail the course’s layout, with the bombed-out remains of Gaza repurposed as a ‘hazard’, and controversial ‘Peace Wall’ retained, with the option for players of either hitting over or round. Jerusalem’s Temple Mount itself will be developed for miniature golf use, with the addition of novelty windmills and large clown face on the Dome of the Rock.
However, the plan has already run into controversy, with militant group Hamas pledging to tunnel under Jewish bunkers and kick balls into bushes when no one is looking, while Israeli groups are drawing up plans to extend the Jews-only clubhouse into traditionally Arab teeing grounds. Religious voices on both sides have claimed that such a fairway has been prophesised in their holy books as the God-given sports and leisure facility for their own people.
Donald told the press: ‘You see these people fighting because they have no access to an 18 hole turf. The Hamas guys, they throw rocks, bottles… it’s like Nazi Germany… it’s nuts. But then they see this place, just one big fairway… we’ve got the best landscapers, the best… and they want to join.’
He added: ‘You know, terraforming a country into a golf facility was exactly what Gandhi fought for. If you watch that film, he did it, though it was my idea first.’