Premiership referee Mark Clattenburg, who recently announced he is moving to China, is to be replaced in his former job by the rear end of a duck.
As well as resembling Clattenburg, the duck’s arse is thought to have a comparable level of football knowledge and ability to pay attention what the players around it are doing.
However, Jose Mourinho has questioned whether the waterfowl’s hindquarters will be able to apply the rules selectively enough to always favour Manchester United.
‘It’s no good having a referee who doesn’t understand playing advantage or the offside rule,’ said Maureen today. ‘He has to understand them when they help us. Just not the rest of the time.’