A group of alien supervillains have admitted defeat in their evil plans to subjugate the world starting at Shanklin, Isle of Wight.
‘We decided that there were just too many superheroes and too much advanced defence technology in New York, where we had started our previous foiled attempts,’ said Loki, the Norse god of mayhem. ‘So we thought, let’s try again somewhere without too many athletic bodybuilders in Lycra or any understanding of scientific developments in the last 50 years, MWAHAHAHAHAHA.’
The Other, the leader of a sinister race of extraterrestrial shapeshifters, and Loki joined forces to activate the Tesseract, an infinitely powerful energy source. The Tesseract then created a wormhole through which the villains emerged on Luccombe Road on Saturday evening. Finding no-one about, the Other teleported himself onto the spire of St Blasius Old Parish Church.
‘I roared like ethereal thunder splitting the fabric of the universe that this puny world was mine!, mine!, MINE!, MWAHAHAHAHA. Then I waited five minutes and did it again. Finally, this rather fierce-looking lady put her head out of the window and acidly said “Would you kindly not make QUITE such a racket? I can’t hear Songs of Praise”. I’ve fought Iron Man and the Hulk to a standstill, but she was a bit too scary for me and I got straight down.’
Having retreated to the porch of the Betty’s Gift Shop (closed until May), Loki and the Other then reassembled their army and rampaged along Victoria Avenue, setting the thatched roof of Pencil Cottage ablaze and terrifying a passing dog into barking loudly. When an elderly man was prompted to come to the front door, they decided to switch to a tactic that had paid dividends in post-World War II invasions.
‘I pointed my sceptre, which would subvert his will to mine, straight at his chest and said “Take me to your leader, fool! MWAHAHAHAHAHA.” But he just looked puzzled and said, “I’m afraid the council offices aren’t open again until Tuesday”. Then, when I warned him not to trifle with me lest I let loose such destructive energy blasts as could annihilate a man to ashes, his wife piped in with “Sorry we couldn’t help more. Would you like a cup of tea?”.’
‘We just sighed and went back to the other side of the galaxy at that point. Honestly, what is WRONG with you people?’