Triple-dip recession likely as Chancellor puts UK on Magic Beans Standard

'We're all up the beanstalk together'

Confidence in the UK economy hit an all-time low yesterday when it was revealed that George Osborne has placed the country on the Magic Beans Standard.

The Chancellor confirmed ‘It’s true that I attended a meeting of European ministers under instruction to sell the nation’s cow for the best price, but on the way I met a strange and strangely persuasive German woman who took Myrtle off my hands in exchange for five magic beans.’

Osborne was quick to defend himself against allegations not just from the Opposition but from members of his own party that he had been reckless in the extreme. ‘These are not ordinary beans, they are magic beans which will thrive on British soil and are guaranteed to put an end to austerity, er somehow. I feel sorry for those who cannot share in this vision of a productive and successful country. Besides which, Ed Miliband is wrong. I did look gullible up in the dictionary and it is in there. So now who’s the credulous one?’

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, is standing shoulder-to-shoulder with his beleaguered Chancellor during this latest controversy telling reporters, ‘Now look, Gidders got top marks, well some marks, from the beaks at St Paul’s for sums and if that doesn’t qualify a chap to run the seventh largest economy in the world then nothing does.’

However a Downing Street insider painted a different picture, saying ‘DC went mad when he realised that Osborne had come back without Myrtle and with just a handful of beans. Osborne went into a spiel about them being magic but DC was having none of it.’

As the row escalated between the two men things allegedly became violent. ‘DC grabbed the beans from Osborne’s hand and threw them out of the window. Now the country has no cow, no beans and no supper.’

Rumours that Downing Street’s woes are continuing, with something ‘bloody strange’ happening in the garden of Number Ten yet to be confirmed. ‘It might just have been Boris measuring up for a new patio’ said a spokesman.


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Posted: Feb 21st, 2017 by

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