Donald Trump promised a crackdown today on the fake news vendors who continue to ply their trade around the US Capital. Congregating regularly around the White House, Jon Sopel, Katy Tur, and other members of the so-called press corps continue to look for opportunities to get their stories out, trying desperately to offload the heavy stock of Trump-related news arriving daily in shipments from Reuters, The Press Association, and less reputable sources, including the President’s daily press briefing.
‘Its getting beyond a joke, beyond a joke’, said Trump. ‘These guys just won’t go away, peddling their so-called news. Fake terrorist attacks. In-fighting in my team. Worst start to a presidency in 2 centuries apparently. Anything goes with these jokers. Its like the pimps and hookers near Times Square in New York in the 80s, you could get anything you want there in the heyday, particularly that corner of 47th and Broadway, great days, sorry..what was I saying?’
‘The problem is, some of these fakes are so good, so good, you can’t tell the difference from the real fakes. If you’re going to get fake news, get it from the official source’, continued Trump. ‘We will give you the real nonsense. Job deals that were actually announced 6 years ago. Bowler Hat massacres. Gratuitous comparisons between myself and Abe Lincoln. Sean Spicer can give you all that, you don’t need to go fake. Sean’s so full of fakes that he shits sham poo. He’s the real deal.’
For some, there was one glimmer of hope amidst all the nonsense news. ‘Orange tan, cheap looking wig, some components manufactured in Russia, explodes when placed under a small amount of pressure…the whole Presidency looks rather like a counterfeit’, lamented one reporter. ‘We can live in hope, I guess’.