In the face of further cuts to the public sector, the Government was keen to announce that ‘fairy-tale budgets’ were increasing, with services set to be funded by magic beans and letters to Santa. Despite all branches of local government announcing record reductions, Theresa May insisted that all they need do is rub a magic lamp, catch a leprechaun or close down the local ginger-bread cottage-hospital.
Explained one minister: ‘How can we claim to pay more when everyone is receiving less? It’s simple; all the money goes to private contractors – to be laundered. Once we’ve factored in their fee and a few hidden admin costs – like premium foie gras and fact-finding trips to Dubai – the money that’s left is pretty fictitious’.
Meanwhile, in the land of make-believe, the Department for Education claims to have spent £1.3bn recruiting new teachers – which works out as an implausible £40,000 bonus per graduate. Said one NQT: ‘I’m yet to see this cash but I’ve been rewarded with unlimited supply of marking and a workload that would make Cinderella puke’.
Unfortunately for Mrs May, the ‘goose that lays the golden egg’ was privatised during the 80s and sold off for giblets – to a bunch of wolves, dressed as venture capitalists. A spokeswoman commented: ‘Once upon a time there was a magical kingdom of social fare. What happened to it? We stopped paying corporation tax.’