Government proposes post-coital smoking ban

'Yeah baby!' actually 'No baby'

Heterosexual couples who light up after sex will face hefty fines under a proposed new law to protect unborn children.  The latest scientific research has indicated that after orgasm, smoking can impede sperm-rich semen in its journey towards the cervix, slowing it down by an average of 1.2 miles per hour.

Professor Henry Forbes of the Centre for Human Embryo Development said: ‘Enjoying a post-sex cigarette is a normal thing for many couples but it can have an impact on what is going on inside your body. Sperm has several obstacles to overcome including hacking its way through cervical mucus to get to the female eggs.

He continued: ‘Nicotine exposed man-juice has far less chance of hitting the spot than untainted ejaculate, so it is important that we enforce smoke free environments if more women are to get up the duff.’  Professor Forbes’ findings have been backed-up by members of the General Medical Council who are pressing for the new law to come into place as soon as possible.

A spokesman for the GMC said: ‘It’s bad enough that sperm can get lost without outside interference on its way up the fallopian tube, so the introduction of tobacco induced free radicals can destabilise the whole process. The entertainment industry could play a vital role in the quest to protect unborn children by ceasing to show couples in post-coital smoking situations. Instead they could substitute smoking scenes for a nice game of chess or Candy Crush.’

However, opposition to the move is growing day by day from civil rights leaders and ordinary members of the public alike.  Gay activist and human rights supremo, Greg Johnson from the campaign group ‘Why Don’t You Get a Life?’ said: ‘It is unfair to place this kind of restriction on heterosexual couples while everyone else can carry on in gay abandon. Because of this we are pressurising the Government to introduce post-coital smoking shelters at the end of every street in Britain. If we all come together we can have a huge impact.’

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Posted: Feb 25th, 2017 by

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