The head of MI5, Andrew Parker, has confirmed claims by Ricky Tomlinson that TV presenter Richard Whitley was a secret agent running a team of operatives using codes revealed in the five times a week programme Countdown. Whiteley also demonstrated the sexual appetite of any respectable British secret agent, earning the title ’00-twice nightly Whiteley’.
‘If you think the order of vowels and consonants was randomly selected by guests and members of the public, then look back on old episodes,’ Parker said, pointing out that the 23 August 1997 episode included a sequence of letters that could be rearranged to read ‘Shoot the target, bury him, head for the safe house’.
‘That the contestants managed to make ‘bumfluff’, ‘nosepick’ and ‘blowjob’ was ‘a testament to their own low intelligence,’ Parker observed. He refused to comment if the conundrum was still used as a secret code word.
Carol Vorderman was and continues to be, an active agent for the overseas branch of the MI6. ‘Back in the day she provided numerical codes for deep cover agents around the world to use. Even the Ayatollah in Iran didn’t have Countdown banned because he considered it a useful intellectual programme and he thought Carol was ‘well hot’.’
Controversy still surrounds the sudden death of Richard Whitley: there are rumours that the Real IRA got wind of his MI5 role and murdered him. Others believe he was a double agent and faked his death to take up a role fronting a Russian word gameshow. However, given the complexity of Cyrillic script it is considered likely he just shagged himself to death in a Russian brothel.