A Saffron Walden man was said to be ‘comfortable but traumatised’ in hospital after a dogged attempt to stick to established norms and expectations of behaviour when in a public convenience.
Tony McGough, 34, entered the 3-urinal, 3 cubicle prefab on the High Street just after 2 pm on Wednesday. Opting for the far-left cubicle for a scheduled dump, McGough immediately began to back out when he found an unflushed shit in the pan along with considerable collateral skids on the sides of the porcelain.
However, his exit was interrupted by the arrival another toilet user, leaving McGough with the quandry that this person might think he had left the cubicle in this poor state. Deciding to go back into the cubicle he flushed the toilet, but with no discernible impact on the recalcitrant turd. Leaving the cubicle for a second time, McGough was dismayed to find a third customer in the conveniences, his exit this time accompanied by the sound of the cistern filling up, thus leaving the new arrival in no doubt that the lingering crap must be McGough’s.
Entering and locking the cubicle for a third time, and flushing to no effect, McGough decided that he would have to actually take a dump himself, rather than give the impression of loitering oddly around the toilets. Having done so, and in the absence of a toilet brush, he manually pushed the two turds round the U-bend with his hand wrapped in toilet paper, before gratuitously flushing the toilet to keep up appearances.
Maintaining eye contact with himself in the mirror whilst washing his hands, McGough offered a casual tune-hum and whistle to the others in the convenience, whilst privately retching at the gritty, slightly soft and malleable consistency of someone else’s excrement on your fingers.
The news comes just weeks after McGough was admitted to hospital after straining vessels in his throat by coughing exaggeratedly in cubicle 2 to avoid someone installed in cubicle 1 at the same time having to endure the sounds of his craps plopping satisfactorily but loudly into the pan.