A bull has called on its fellow cattle to continue “loudly and clearly” putting the case for the “precious unity” of a shop full of china into which they will imminently charge.
‘Look at this lovely shop full of china,’ the bull told a conference of cows in Glasgow. ‘Isn’t it pretty? We must keep it all in pristine, mint condition with no cracks or damage of any sort.’
The bull denied that its plans to charge unthinkingly into the shop full of china pose any risk at all to the continued unity of the china, much of which is over 300 years old and is decorated with thistles, roses and daffodils. ‘The rest of the herd have made very plain their absolute commitment to charging into this china shop, and I can think of absolutely no conventional wisdom that suggests this would be an unwise thing to do.’
Critics of the bull have slammed the breakneck speed with which it is charging towards the china shop as irresponsible, and say that the rest of the herd only made their decision after being misled. ‘This whole thing came about because a small group of cows were mooing about immigration, frothing at the mouth, snorting and rolling their eyes,’ said a Charge supporter. ‘We just thought they were excited at the prospect of a glorious future free from this dreadful meadow with its Stalinist wildflowers and acres of subsidised grazing, but it turns out they were all infected with some kind of chronic bovine cynicism. It’s pretty infectious, so you can’t sell their meat in Europe nowadays. Not because of public health concerns but because of the 50% tariffs we’re introducing.’
The bull also set out its opposition to plans outlined by a vociferous Highland cow to hold a second referendum on whether to put a fence up between the meadow and the far paddock. ‘That would be an act of wanton destruction of our bovine heritage,’ the bull said. ‘Nobody seriously thinks you should break up a perfectly serviceable political union just because of a few mad cows. Now, let’s get on with charging into this china shop. But do be careful where you put your hooves – there’s a hell of a lot of bullshit around here.’