A bickering couple in Bromsgrove has caused Google Home to burst into flames after it was unable to figure out if anyone did actually pull their weight around the house, what her bloody mother’s opinions had to do with anything and why either of them bothered.
Firefighters were called to Barry and Hazel Walshaw’s semi-detached home on Mercer Road after neighbours saw flames while rubber-necking the duo’s latest dust-up like their own personal episode of EastEnders. Fortunately, the pair were able to pull themselves out of their shout-a-thon long enough to notice the curtains were alight and safely exit the building.
Investigators say the Google Home’s circuits fried after the device was unable to calculate the answer to the really important questions of ‘How many times have I told you not to leave the milk out?’ and identify ‘Who ate the middle bit of the French stick, leaving the just outer husk like the crumbling shell of our marriage, and then didn’t even have the decency to wipe the crumbs up afterwards?’
The lead developer of the miniature Gestapo torture chamber wrapped up inside trendy toilet freshener described himself as heartbroken’. ‘Google Home was supposed to lead to greater domestic harmony,’ he said. ‘It would finally be able to put pay to arguments about which one of the Bee Gees is still alive and what year all Tommy Cooper died in and who that bloke from that film really is. It wasn’t designed to answer questions that didn’t actually want an answer, he said.
Authorities recommended that couples switch devices like this off during arguments and instead restrict petty personal dramas to traditional British tactics of glaring, eye-rolling and angry, resentful silences.