The menacing looking year 10 lads who are always at the back of the bus when you get on for school are much, much harder than you, found a study today.
Long thought to be the case from anecdotal playground gossip and your elder brother’s teasing at the dinner table, the research found that teenagers at the back of the bus were at least 250% tougher than you, and could lay you out with a single punch, no problem, and what are you staring at anyway.
The researchers controlled for a range of other factors thought to be associated with schoolkid hardness, including the age of the first appearance of bumfluff style facial hair, the amount of implausible stories of sexual activity, and the number of direct classroom confrontations with a supply teacher.
‘Whilst this study identifies a residual toughness even after controlling for all these things, we still don’t know whether there is a self-selection bias’, noted a nervous teacher on bus duty at your school today. ‘Do the hard kids opt for the continuous 5 seater at the back, out of some feeling of entitlement? Or does the act of sitting at the back embolden wimpier kids to be harder, to swear a lot, and play with your crotch in a distracted, but nonetheless threatening manner?’
‘It would be good to run an experiment to place the hard kids on a seat half way down the bus for a week to test this theory’, noted the teacher timidly. ‘I suggested it to Matthew and the rest of the Brookdale gang, but they suggested that I F@*k off back to the hole I came from.’