Appalling bitch niece is like arsehole son complete bastard never had

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Peter Watkinson, 67, a dreadful skidmark on the toilet bowl of humanity, has spoken of his joy that his long-lost niece, Emma Skelton, has come into his life, inherited his seat on Hampshire County Council and, above all, shown herself to be a consummate rude, arrogant witch from hell.

‘I always wanted a son to pass my business and my prejudices on to,’ said Watkinson. ‘Unfortunately my wife never got pregnant in the three years we were together, then flounced out when I punched her in the abdomen for bringing me soggy toast at breakfast. Turns out that damaged her womb, which is why that idiot second husband of hers never managed to get her up the duff either. I believe the darkies call it ‘karma’. But I digress.’

Watkinson bravely buried the hurt and focused on his career as a personal injury solicitor and Conservative County Councillor advising property developers on how to circumvent planning restrictions on Green Belt land. Then, out of the blue appeared the niece he had not seen since she was five, following a row with his sister when he drunkenly groped a churchwarden at their father’s funeral.

‘I never had much hope for Emma – her parents are a right pair of wet blankets, with all that charity fundraising nonsense they do. But from the moment she looked through the family photo albums and laughingly asked if Great Aunt Violet had cut up the curtains to make that risible dress for a works outing to Blackpool in the 1920s, I knew she would be all right by me.’

Facing 38 separate Code of Conduct complaints and 15 police investigations into allegations of corruption and bullying, Watkinson reluctantly stood down from Hampshire Council at the last election but was delighted when Emma campaigned for and won his old seat. Since then, she has refused to co-operate with the two Liberal Democrat councillors in her ward and planted insinuations about their sex lives in the Petersfield Examiner.

‘Of course, before you ask, I know she actually despises me and only got in touch in the first place because she wants me to leave my estate to her,’ said Watkinson. ‘I’m so proud.’

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Posted: Mar 20th, 2017 by

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