Building on the sporting and fashion triumphs of Team GB at the Rio Olympics, the Home Office has amalgamated the nation’s police forces and low-loaded fashion juggernaut Stella McCartney in to turn on the style. After all, the hitherto untrendy department commented, why be dull and dowdy when a mob gets rowdy?
A Home Office fashionista remarked: ‘With predicted urban turbulence on the horizon, dwindling numbers of officers will be placed under ever greater pressure to get a snap right first time. We believe in the midst of civil unrest it’s vital to have a stylish look straight off in the public’s selfies and on social media.’
Let’s have a sneak peak at the latest in safe and secure haute couture. Instead of quelling a riot, these Top Copz are more likely to cause one with the new Omnisex Tactical Aid Catsuit emboldened with realistic ‘Inflammaflage’ flame patterns that provide the perfect on-trend blend to a backdrop of bombed-out buses fuelled by the wrong sort of cocktails.
‘Copz Kitz’ have also had the McCartney makeover. The restyled helmet with visor display gives logistical choreography info for crowd-wowing flash-mob routines, dating matches, recipes and who’s ‘liking’ your look. The racy design is fully mullet-proof to prevent receiving an unflattering headshot on a bad hair day and can be worn conventionally for a midday melee or at a jaunty angle for a more happy-go-lucky evening bash.
Hi-tech ‘Tuff-Cuffs’ monitor heart-rate, skin hydration levels, aura well-being and unlock with a mutually-agreed safe-word. Telescopic batons hand-fashioned from beachcombed driftwood double as selfie-sticks to capture that all-important just-bust moment. New ‘Desist’ pepper spray combines searing concentrated pepper agony with an exotic and sensual arid musk and comes as an exquisite eau de toilette for the lady with ‘something on her mind’ or a splash-on cologne for the gentlemen with a punchy penchant.
Details have already been released on the two-shot taser enabling user-to-abuser seamless file-sharing integration, but we’ll have to watch the catwalks at next month’s Guantanamo Fashion Week to view the full spring/summer range and hope our bobby-dazzlers can bring back fashion gold. Who needs the fashion police anyway?