A wealthy, misunderstood castle owner was left facing an uncertain future today after being delisted from AirBandB, following a series of poor guest reviews over the last two centuries. Beast, thought to be aged between 160 and 220, promised those staying at his 30-room castle ‘A unique interactive dining experience – you will want to stay forever’. However, satisfaction scores from visitors had plummeted with reviews pointing to the host’s idiosyncratic and erratic behaviour, alongside accusations of entrapment and bizarre ritualistic dances with plates, a lamp and a clock.
‘Beast’s problems started when he was operating under an alternative host name ‘The Prince’, noted an Airbnb spokesperson. ‘Beggarlady101 one-starred him back in 1859, saying she had used the ‘instant book’ option to secure a room, but the prince had refused to let her in. She really went to town on him in her review, telling him he needed to take a long hard look at himself in the mirror, and cursing him left, right and centre’.
Repositioning his castle as a boutique offering for single guests to enjoy total seclusion, things seemed to have taken a turn for the better for the newly named ‘Beast’, thanks to two lucrative long-term lets, coincidentally from members of the same family. However, MusicBoxMaurice highlighted a lack of natural light, regimented meal times and the dreadful Wifi signal. TheRealBelle posted multiple reviews, noting first that ‘this guy gives you the creeps’, but admitting later that the library was ‘to die for’ and that her domineering host was ‘50 shades of awesome’.
‘The final straw for us was the inflated bogus reviews that have appeared recently, obviously from people on Beast’s payroll’, said the AirBnB spokesperson. ‘Soup du jour, hot hors d’oeuvres, why, we only live to serve /No one’s gloomy or complaining, while the flatware’s entertaining. The lines just scan that little bit too well, don’t you think’.
‘AirBnB can come and inspect us any time’ argued a defiant Beast today. ‘Be our guest, be our guest put our service to the test. I’m a natural optimist, anyway. My experience is that these things have a way of working themselves out, and with the sheer number of plot devices in the current film, I’d expect a happy ending within the next 110 minutes or so’.