‘We’d often wondered how to crack the elusive 17-25 male-pissed-out-of-head-and-needing-a-calorie-boost-after-some-late-night-action market segment, and think we’ve found the answer in the bejewelled lady va-jay-jay region ‘ said Ahmed Guleken, proprietor of Ahmed’s Klassy Kebabs. ‘We trialed the scheme recently with a focus group of ten chavvy slags of local repute. Those sparkly slappers boosted our takings by 400% in just one weekend.’
The kebab shop is offering cash incentives for anyone willing to go further. ‘The phone number is just the basic sponsorship package’ said Mr Guleken. ‘I’m offering a tenner for our logo, fifteen for the full picture menu and twenty if the boys out back can get a look. And as an advertising strategy, there is a natural synergy between the vajazzle and the kebab. Both look better from a distance and never taste as good as you hoped.’
Local teenagers appeared enthusiastic about the idea. ‘It’s great,’ said one girl, who is already in talks with Nandos. ‘I couldn’t afford to get jewelled up any other way. And the pizza place and the chippie are starting the same deal next week. No-one said anything about exclusivity and there’s nothing wrong with healthy competition – I like to think that one day I could be the vaginal equivalent of Zagat.’
Businesses have reported mixed success with vajazzertising, with Allied Carpets noting a significant boost, but John West suffering a marked decline in sales. But some young women have found that the promise of a lucrative vajazzle deal can fall far short of the sad reality.
‘When I landed a commission deal with a major high street brand, I thought I’d be minted,’ reported one disappointed pubic billboard. ‘But I haven’t made a bean. I don’t understand it – I get the punters in, but once they get in my knickers and read the ad, I never hear from them again. I’d urge any woman to think twice before pawning her pudenda. And that’s sure as hell the last time I do a deal with Rentokill.’