Excited anthropologists from the University of Durham have concluded a study revealing the raison d’être of Geordie Z-Lister Scarlett Moffatt. The bog-eyed celebrity has confounded scientists with her rapid development from a caustic couch potato to ‘the lass who pulls the big lever’ on ‘Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Please For God’s Sake Take Me Away Show’.
Professor Phil Carter said: ‘We now believe that her existence goes far beyond the need to sustain the procreation of the species. Rather, environmental influences such as access to Channel 4 producers, have given her a loud gob and a TV career despite the clear lack of ability to do anything. Her purpose is to be an example to all aspiring northern teenagers, with the message ‘come cheap’ and help to sustain the cliché-ridden north south divide.’