Trading Standards Officers in Berkshire are investigating claims that major tissue manufacturers are misleading the public with spurious claims of enormous tissues. Once bought, it’s claimed, the tissues lead to further disappointment, which itself can end in tears, which in turn leads to even more tissue use, or tissuse. Arguably the tissue industry is feathering its own nest, say critics.
‘The reason I am doing this’, said the man, Jeremy Smythe from Carshalton, Surrey, who prefers not to be identified, ‘is because for too long the manufacturers have just come out with a tissue of lies, in terms of their tissues. I am 5 foot 8 inches, an average size for a man, yet I literally dwarf every one of these tissues, in terms of size and strength, if not softness. Obviously we are not expecting the tissues to be the size of very large men, but no human being – man, woman or child, could be the size of these tissues, even the Waitrose ones, although they can capture the greatest amount of human mucus or other emissions, in my experience.’
But women’s groups have hit out at the very idea of man-sized tissues, saying statistically women lead men in tissue use (though the reverse is true in relation to sleeves) and one group is suggesting man sized tissues be renamed ‘big tissues irrespective of sex, but useful afterwards, whatever the gender or number of participants.’
Meanwhile male monarchs from seventeen different countries have attended a conference at which rules about the size of King Size cigarettes were discussed. But the conference was abandoned after King Norodom Sihamoni of Cambodia tried to light a cigarette the size of HM Yang di-Pertuan Agong Muhammad V of Malaysia, despite a smoking ban at the event.