Despite offering the ‘red carpet treatment’ to visiting friends, Aisha and Matt Symonds have been given a less than glowing review for offering their guests special cutlery, parking privileges and the use of ‘the fancy towels’. What should have been a weekend of bonhomie quickly became a critique of the host’s lack of gluten-free meal options and their miserly hoarding of the Wi-Fi password.
A disappointed Matt defended his decision to offer ‘instant’ rather than organically grinded free-range coffee: ‘We did everything we could to make them feel welcomed. We laughed at their racist jokes, deliberately lost at Scrabble and I cleaned the loo – twice! We even provided a series of tasteful, but impractically small, shampoo bottles – stolen from a range of exclusive hotels.’
Guests, Jermain and Sally, complained that: ‘To be frank we don’t really like them, so if we do visit, the least we can hope to get out of it is a more refined service. Where was the choice of cheese boards? Our own spare key? Moreover, the turn down service was practically non-existent. One couple we visited recently offered reflexology, loft storage and a suitcase-stand they’d whittled by hand.’
Remarked Aisha: ‘We were both very diplomatic too; I didn’t mention Jermain’s second wife or Brexit and Matt hardly ever stared at Sally’s boob job. I took the dog’s blanket off the spare bed and we even muted our sex noises. I almost don’t feel guilty now for having pissed in the soup.’