With the discovery of ‘human waste’ in Coca Cola cans, supermarkets will be hard-pressed to come up with a cheap alternative that matches the aroma and viscosity of ‘liquid poo’. While most children acknowledge the innate figurative ‘sh$tness’ of own brand pop, this literal ‘shit$ness’ has led to the strapline ‘Taste the Feeling and Feel the Gastroenteritis’.
During the 70s a skip full of Monster Munch washed down by a keg of Coca-Cola, was normally the diabetic ‘coma of choice’ for the discerning nine year old. Yet the 80s saw increased competition from ‘Pepsi Poop’ and Coke’s own failed song – ‘I’d like to buy the world a coffee enema’.
Coke has long guarded its ‘secret’ recipe from competitors; many had speculated that it was nicotine or ‘Howard Hughes’ preserved jiz’, but it transpires that it may have been a Belfast ‘jobby’. Said one Lisburn worker: ‘The bad news is, we can only make Coke with human waste – the good news is, post-Brexit, there’s plenty of it’.
Diet Coke will now be able to guarantee zero calories, thanks to the ensuing diarrhoea and vomiting. The Food Standards Agency said: ‘Nobody wants faeces in a can. Unfortunately it turns out Coke actually is the Real Thing’.
(hattip Paul Wiseman)