The Department for Education has decided to give academy status to a newly established school that will turn out the British superheroes of the future. The government said that this was vital to close a skills gap with the US that has grown alarmingly ever since the DC and Marvel Schools for Superheroes were opened in the 1930s.
‘We’ve had quite a lot of success at bacterial level. Indeed, when you look at the creation of MRSA and Clostridium Difficile, we’re regarded as the world leader, especially with the publicly funded factories run for us by the NHS, but we haven’t quite managed to produce a UK equivalent of Captain America yet,’ said Education Secretary Michael Gove.
The 1970s saw the first attempt to create a UK superhero, Brian Williams, but this did not quite work out as planned. Williams’s first task, to fix the economy, was probably a bit too challenging in retrospect. He would go in and put everything right using his superpowers, but by the time he got back home to have his tea the government had messed it all up again. Eventually he was so disenchanted with life he got a job as a teacher.
The UK has also been trying to breed superheroes in other ways for nearly 60 years. Successive governments have happily allowed radiation to leak out of Sellafield in the hope of endowing local men with superpowers but this was abandoned after the first product, Cancer Cluster Man, died suddenly in 1988. He had achieved little more in the way of crimefighting than coughing up a pool of phlegm that caused a fleeing shoplifter to slip and sprain his ankle on Workington High Street.
‘By endowing a superhero school with Academy status, we hope to build on our previous programmes and create a truly super-human Brit,’ said Gove. ‘And, I should add, neither age, nor ethnicity nor disability are necessarily a barrier to entry to the scheme, though it is strictly limited to UK citizens. And EU residents. And anyone with a work or student visa. Visas for anyone not holding one can be arranged. China? India? Anyone – hello-o…?’