Dick Dastardly in ‘despicable negotiations’ to present Top Gear

Twat, and Double Twat!

Health and safety-flouting novelty rally driver Dick Dastardly is said to be locked in ‘despicable, underhand negotiations’ with BBC executives, for the post of chief host of flagship motoring show Top Gear, recently vacated by Jeremy Clarkson.

Dastardly (57) was recently dropped by Hanna Barbera, following an incident where he attempted to assault Wacky Races co-star Professor Pat Pending with a large wooden club attached to a robotic retractable arm, and was said to be looking for a ‘new, wickedly pusillanimous challenge’ to occupy him.

Danny Cohen, the BBC’s director of television is rumoured to have green lighted the contemptible re-launch. ‘He’s the obvious double-dealing do-badder for the role’ declared one insider ‘He’s a bit posh, has hideous dress sense and comes with his own smugly timorous canine sidekick. To be frank, I doubt most viewers will even notice the difference.’

The discussions follow hot on the heels of Dastardly’s attempts to stand as an MEP for UKIP last year. Party chief Nigel Farage was said to be a keen supporter of his outspoken views on pigeon-migration. However plans were reluctantly shelved when Mr Dastardly was revealed to have a Non-Executive Directorship of shadowy arms manufacturers Acme Corporation.

‘Frankly, UKIP’s loss is our gain’ added another BBC source close to the Director General Tony Hall. ‘After the Clarkson farrago, this sends out the right message to the licence-paying public: that slightly bitter and twisted middle aged cads who break the rules to fulfil their own craven ambitions will ultimately triumph against adversity – as Wile E Coyote, The Hooded Claw and the janitor from the old deserted fairground have shown on numerous occasions.

Jeremy Clarkson has yet to comment on the current speculation, although former co-presenter Richard Hammond responded to suggestions that his contract as an evil sidekick was likely to be terminated by telling reporters: ‘Sassafrassarassum Rick Rastardly.’

Skylarking (hat-tip to redben01)

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Posted: Apr 1st, 2017 by

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